Today, we are honored to feature a guest blog post from Rebekah Kerstetter, founder of Christian Singles Boston and a long-time advocate for helping churches serve singles with greater intentionality and care. Rebekah, a former UniteBoston Neighborhood Dinner Coordinator in Medford and a member of Highrock Church, shares a powerful story of how a small act of volunteering led to a decade-long journey of listening to and learning from Christian singles. Read on for practical insights and bold suggestions for how the Church can become a more welcoming and connected spiritual family for everyone.
I never expected to found a Christian singles ministry in 2014, or to launch an ‘alternative to online dating’ platform 10 years later. It all started innocently when, as a young mom, I volunteered at my local church to do whatever small jobs I could while my kids were napping. The church chose to put me in charge of entering the data from the weekly visitor cards (before QR codes!).
After a few months, I began to notice a surprising trend. Almost 40% of our first time visiting adults to the church marked ‘single’ on their visitor cards, but very few single adults stayed involved. I began doing research online, only to find out that this trend was not just true for our church, it matched closely with national statistics.
To me, this didn’t make sense. Christian single adults visiting a church were people brave enough to come alone, knowing it might be hard to break into conversations with no extroverted partner to fall back on. They were also dedicated enough to come to church without children or another spouse being the reason why, and they were also exceptionally motivated to find connection. What could cause such strong dedicated Christians to lose hope? I wanted to learn why. I began talking intentionally with Christian singles and asking to hear their stories.
One Boston woman told of a time she drove two hours every Sunday to assist in the childcare at her church. Though she never served to get praise, she spoke of how, even after months of serving, she felt she had barely met anyone, and that when parents came to pick-up their children, they didn’t know her name and often didn’t even look her in the eye. “It just didn’t feel like a family.” Other singles I spoke with, even those who desired a Christian marriage, said it was hard to simply make a same gendered friend let alone find an opposite gendered friend. Finding friendships with other singles was hard, period. Sometimes it was because there were so few singles in a congregation or sometimes, even if there were many singles at a church, there were simply no avenues to connect. When I asked why friendships with married friends didn’t seem like enough, I heard about how time and time again, despite deeply loving their married friends and even serving in their weddings, these cherished friendships struggled as their friends got married and had children. For better or for worse, the truth is that often only singles have a similar enough schedule with one-another to grow deep connections. Even when a single is busier than a married person, their schedule still tends to have a unique type of flexibility that helps them connect well with other singles. We need unity and relationship with all parts of the body of Christ.
February 24, 2024 Speed-Meet with ChristianSinglesBoston.org
After studying churches for the past fifteen years with singles as my focus, I found the below 4 steps to be exceptionally effective at building community when done in concert together – for Christian singles as well as for everyone. And it makes sense. When a church learns how to embrace a person who walks in alone, sits alone and often leaves quickly after church to avoid standing alone, a church has learned how to embrace everyone. Here’s what I’ve seen work:
1. Create consistent, casual spaces for connection.
Go beyond the 10-minute foyer conversations for attendees. Host monthly volunteer lunches, after-service socials, or dinner nights for everyone. People are far more likely to connect when the environment invites it.
2. Put a range of voices on the platform.
When someone who attends church sees singles sometimes give announcements or share from the stage, it communicates: You belong here too. It also helps visitors to know another single who could be a touchpoint.
3. Empower those gifted in hospitality.
Assign volunteers to welcome others personally at social events like lunches and help them to join into conversations with others. Also have hospitality volunteers scheduled during Sundays too – not only at the front door – but in the lobby & sanctuary to notice those who are not yet engaged with others and gently say hello.
4. Make volunteer care a priority.
Check in regularly with volunteers during a Sunday morning. Have assigned friendly people getting to know their names, introducing them to others or offering to bow their heads with them in prayer. Because singles so often volunteer at church, this small step goes a long way.
It’s important to note here, that there is nothing innately wrong with using the word ‘single’ in a church ministry or setting. It depends on each local church. The good news is that implementing these four steps in combination, even without using the word single, seamlessly helps singles to connect with one another. Lastly, it is very likely that new Christian singles will join the church for fellowship soon. Why? Because when Christian single adults begin choosing to stay at the churches they visit, it’s a healthy natural growth. Coincidentally, I learned these four principles at a church I attended in the North East that was listed in the 100 fastest growing churches in America. Access to an authentic and welcoming community is priceless and singles are often the first to spot it.
Being part of a church body means that this is family, and we need one another. It means that we need to think about hospitality and how we can care for all members, singles, married, divorced, all abilities and demographics, and we think about who is missing from the table. Not only this, but over time, as singles get to know others across Boston, it builds an organic network of Christians that strengthens the broader Church!
Learn More:
– For Church Leaders: See Rebekah’s tips for how to engage singles in your church or ministry, including how to build authentic community, how to advertise to help Christian Singles find you and how to help singles in your church navigate dating or support those who never wish to marry.
– For Christian singles: You’re invited to join the Christian Singles Boston community using this link. They are hosting a Christian Singles Sunset Cruise Around the Boston Harbor on Aug 10 and many other events too!
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